Wednesday, November 12, 2008
hmm.
so the exams haven't been turning out the way i've planned.
on my very first exam, i didn't manage to finish the paper despite writing till my hand was sore and numb. i had about 1/2 a question more to go and left a small table of values blank because i was supposed to come back to it later.
and today, which is my second exam, i was supposed to interview a patient in 4 minutes. bell was supposed to ring upon 4 minutes and i was supposed to be done interviewing but... the moment the bell rang, i had just started asking my final question. and that wasn't the worst part, when the examiner asked me to diagnose the patient... my head went blank, i couldn't think of anything to say and i just went: i'm so sorry, i know what the condition is but i cannot remember the term. after all, i had only 10 seconds to answer.
and so i'm sitting here really sad. and depressed. and oh, whatever other synonyms you can come up with. i'm just about ready to cry.
because i know i can do better. so why didn't i do better? and isn't God supposed to be with me? after all that He's promised? why didn't He help me write faster that day? why didn't He make the patient talk faster so that I could ask questions faster? why didn't He make my mind clear so I could remember what the condition was?
but then you know what?
I remember my Bible tells me: My God will always be with me. He'd never forsake me.
So you see, I went through what could be rightly considered as hell in my papers so far but He was always with me.
Still doesn't answer the question of why did He not help me though...
Well, I admit, that's true. Why didn't he bless me with a quick mouth, quick hand, quick mind?
But then, I start to remember the challenge He's placed upon me ever since Swot VAC started. And that is to not look at the natural, but focus on the supernatural. Because sometimes, eventhough a H1 for me right now, doesn't seem possible with the way things are turning out to be, it may very well be possible because God's in total control.
And as I keep feeling my heart going into the mode of despair, I know deep inside that my God is challenging me. He's kept telling me: Come on Siaw Hui, I know it doesn't seem possible but believe me. You've got to hold on. You've got to press on. I know you feel like you're gonna flunk this exams, that a H1 is outta the question already, that you just wanna stop studying for the next three exams but you've gotta push on.
You've gotta trust in me. Believe in what seems to be the impossible. I will bless you, and what I promise I will not fail. And for all it's worth, this just makes it all a greater testimony of My greatness.
And then He keeps bringing to mind of how He's blessed me even by the work of my hands, even by natural circumstances, things seemed impossible.
So you know what?
To blazes with what's happening right now. To blazes with my feelings of inadequateness, that I will not measure up and perform my worst ever in exams. To blazes with the fact that I seem not to be able to remember everything for my exams in day to come.
Because all that I'm living for right now is you Lord. I don't know how You're going to help me but You most certainly are going to. All I have Lord, it's Yours. All I do God, it's Yours. And all I am Lord, every single part of me, belongs to You Lord.
Because now I'm starting to realize Lord, come what may in the next three exams, it isn't in my hands anymore. I've done the work (and play) and now I'm just doing the best I know how to. My weaknesses Lord, are made whole in You. It will not be by my strength when I succeed, it will be by Your grace and Your love. I think that's what You're trying to teach me through all of this. That the best of human preparations would be nothing without You making sure everything else falls neatly in place.
Lord, I don't know what's gonna happen next Lord. But Lord, I know this: That You'd never leave me nor forsake me and that Your plans for me are not for evil but are prosperous.
Lord, for the first time in my life I will actually mean this.
Lord, I trust in you. I need you. My academics depends on You.
She thanks her Jesus at 2:49 PM
