Sunday, November 16, 2008
Dear God,
It's been a long time since I've written a letter to you.
Lord, you've put this incredible challenge upon me this week and to tell you in all honesty, Lord, I'm scared.
I'm afraid that I'm going to fail. I'm afraid that I'm gonna trip and fall on my face. And Lord, above all, I'm scared that whatever I say and whatever I do thinking that it is out of obedience to You, turns out to be horribly wrong because it was my flesh speaking or the world... or someone else other than You.
Lord, I'm horribly, terribly and utterly SCARED.
I'm scared of not knowing how to answer. I'm fearful of what people may think of me whenever I begin the sentence of: I feel God telling me to ... and somehow I keep thinking that I'm using your name in vain; as if it's not really You telling me to do it, it's something else but I'm just using you as an excuse.
I'm afraid that I'd be turned away and that whatever I say may not come to pass; that my prayer doesn't seem to bring a miracle.
But still somehow I know, deep within that the calling grows stronger every day. You keep telling me: Come on Siaw Hui, it's time. Come on now, I need you to step out.
God, I've been living with this prophecy over my life ever since I was 10 years old. Goodness, that's 9 years ago now. And Lord, it's such an amazing prophecy but I've always let it sit at the back of mind because I saw no possible way it could ever be fulfilled... but now Lord, at the age of 19, You've suddenly brought it back into full perspective. And Lord, that's all You said! I'd love more information Lord, but all You've said is: I'd guide you and reveal step by step.
And Lord,after Pastor Sam's message, I know for real now that it's Your voice I'm hearing. Not someone else's. Not my flesh because Lord my flesh is screaming out: I"M SCARED DON"T MAKE ME DO THIS!! WHY ME? CHOOSE SOMEONE ELSE! SEND SOMEONE ELSE! IT"S SO EMBARASSING...
And it's not the world because the world would just tell me: Relax, there's no need to spread God's goodness. And it's not the enemy because that evil little thing wouldn't want me to spread Your greatness.
And Lord by faith, I stepped out of the congregation today and I know that I've received Your blessing and Your anointing from the prayer team. I'm all set up and geared to go.
All my life, I've sung songs along the lines of: Lord, if you need someone, send me. God, I'm willing. I surrender all. I love you God to do anything for You. I give my life, my heart to You. So now Lord, I'm going to put it to practice.
God I don't know what I'm doing and I don't know what I'd say but Lord I know this for sure.
You are always with me. You'd always be with me. You'd teach me what to say, give me valuable insights that only You would know because You know everyone's hearts. And God, I'm scared. I'm frightened beyond belief. I'm terrified to pieces. But Lord, you know what? You've called me. So I'd go, with all my inadequacies, I'd go because I know it is by Your strength and not by my weaknesses.
And Lord, I don't care whether a miracle happens or not. I'd just do whatever You say and know that at least I'm pleasing You with my obedience. The results is up to You. And Lord, I somehow know that even as I take up this challenge, I know that I go in knowing that there are others who You've sent in to do some groundwork and all I need to do is build on it.
This is the season Lord. It's gonna be a tough season Lord, but I know somehow that this is the season of change. So I'm going in Lord.
But Lord, promise me this, let me go ... but NOT without Your presence. NEVER Lord, without Your presence because I need it. Every inch of it.
Come on Lord, let's do this. You'd be the master planner and I'd be the kakitangan ;)
Yours sincerely,
Siaw Hui
She thanks her Jesus at 10:58 PM
