Wednesday, December 31, 2008
A central part of my life right now is eating, drinking and breathing driving. And not just plain, on-the-road driving but the show-the-examiner-how-well-you-do-tricks-with your car driving e.g. hill braking, side parking, 3 point turning.
And because even if you know the technique of doing all these things you can still not execute them well due to a million and one reasons (e.g. going a little faster/slower than normal, using a different car, rain conditions, turning a little fast/slow etc.) I have started to fear failing my driving examinations. Especially when it's just around the corner: 21 January 2009 to be exact.
And it doesn't help that under the rules of the examination, you're basically operating on a prettyyy tight rope. Cross that white line? Fail. Wheel stopped moving for just a second in turn? Fail. And the only way of getting out of that tight rope is well you know, $$.
And added to that pressure is that I need to pass the examination fast, to get my license fast, so that I can go back to Melbourne that bit happier instead of having the fuss of repeating driving lessons and examinations at the end of the year.
It's not surprising then that it doesn't matter how many times I tell God: Please help me! ... I still feel really small and afraid. Because UGHH it's just so frustrating.
SO, I've decided I'm going to go on a fast starting next week right up until the driving exams itself. It's going to be my first time fasting (the last time I tried was when I was a kid, it failed :S) so pray that I stick by it! :D
I'm going to be fasting from the TV, Internet, snacks, reading novels... basically anything I do during my spare time except for napping (that doesn't count because I need my sleep after gruelling 4 hours of training on the driving circuit starting at 8 in the morn). So since I won't be doing all those aforementioned things, I'd be focusing on seeking God instead like praying, reading God-inspired books, writing, listening to God-inspired music etc.
Because I feel that you know, the victory for a pass in my driving exam is there just like any other thing in life. But I also feel that unlike past victories that came reasonably easy (e.g. just praying, declaring), the battle for claiming what's already mine this time round is going to get a bit tough. What with the sometimes crippling, I-want-to-curl-up-in-a-ball fear and the daunting pressure that's been mounted. So since the stakes are higher, I'm ramping up my efforts :D
And I can do this. I can win this. With God's help.
He'd never leave nor forsake me right? ;) So cool, I won't leave nor forsake Him either especially when I really need Him now.
Pray for me? :) And I'd repost after the 21st.
Siaw Hui
She thanks her Jesus at 3:38 PM
Friday, December 26, 2008
Sometimes the place we have to be in does not necessarily need to be the place we want to be in.
That is the simplest phrase I have ever heard in my entire life and yet it's the most profound thing I've heard in ages as well.
My God, that is so totally not of my own understanding nor wisdom. That's so totally trademark of Someone Up There.
(ooh capitals look cool haha)
But yeah, as I look back over my life, especially of this year, I realize the solidity of that statement.
There are a lot of times in our lives that we find ourselves fighting to do the very least of drifting in a sea of disappointment and hurt. Those times are the very times that we don't want to be in and yet they are the very situations that grow us, that develops in us a stronger character that will see us through the next level in our faith. Because by our very human nature, it is in times of despair that we realize how fragile everything we have is and begin to just invest all of ourselves in Him. And that's when He can teach us.
And then there are times in our lives where we feel that we're thrust into a world that we feel that we're not ready for. Or worse, into a world which you only have a miserable ounce of feelings for; not the heady youthful passion which will push you to the limits of best. Who in their sane mind would want to be there?
And yet, it is in those unsure times that we realize that we're totally and utterly lost without God's help. It's in those times that we understand the meaning of humility; to completely abandon ourselves to Him and His guidance. We're no longer swaggering our abilities, instead we're made aware of our weaknesses... yet they're weaknesses that are made whole in Him.
So yeah, sometimes the place we have to be in is the very place we don't want to be in.
But you know what?
Because I know what are the rewards I'd reap at the very end, I'd weather the ordeal.
Siaw Hui
She thanks her Jesus at 2:37 AM
Thursday, December 4, 2008
Lord, thank you.
Thank you so much for all that you've done. Thank you for my H1 and my H2A. And yes, though you know, things may have been better ... like instead of my H2A being a 79 instead of a H1 80, still thank you.
And yes, honest to truth Lord, I think I spent about 2 hours tapping my computer screen somehow wishing the 79 would turn into an 80 magically (lol) but I've come to realize Lord that with everything that I've been through this year, those marks are good (they're heck better than last semester's). Very good considering all the almost hell I've been through.
Because Lord, now I can stand up and say: My God, He provides. My God, He never fails because of all the things He's done for me. I think, when the time comes for me to give my testimony about Him in my life this year (which will be this Sunday, pray for meeee!!) in front of the church, I'd probably end up tearing.
Not crying because of the bad times I've been through, but crying because He's brought me through it all. Not only safe and sound but doubly blessed, doubly portioned, doubly sweet.
So thank you :) So much.
She thanks her Jesus at 11:13 PM
