Friday, November 28, 2008

She thanks her Jesus at 2:59 PM

Monday, November 24, 2008

Firstly, to all my UL-ers and friends in Melbourne, I AM MISSING YOU SO BADD :( :(

Secondly, to PSCC, I AM ALSO MISSING YOU! MORE THAN EVER!! I miss the atmosphere there, it really is the one and only of its kind in the world. It's like, I don't know how to say it, but it's kind of like in any good church you can feel the presence of God during the service but the way it is manifested in PSCC is just... different somehow? :)

SO whoever is still in melbourne, better relish it OY! :)

Thirdly, I love the way God does humour sometimes. Because if any of you were around the Civic Centre parking lot in Kuching this morning (obviously no one was phew!) you would have seen this little Kancil driven by yours truly on her first ever driving lesson doing weird things like braking violently, making the engine die, knocking the back wheel against a low curb, almost knocking over dustbins (which has always been my worst imagined driving nightmare mind you)...

And the funny thing was that before I started my lesson, I was telling God: Please don't let me crash into anything please. And right there and then, I felt Him tell me: It's all right, I'd be with you. Then there was a bit of a pause before He added: This is going to be fun though, I'm going to enjoy it.

-_________-"

But yeah, oh come on, I'm not actually offended by Him laughing at me because whilst I was driving, I was laughing at myself too. And it's nice knowing that you're laughing and then your big Daddy's laughing with you as well. :) And yeah, who wants a God who doesn't know how to see the fun in things ey? If He wasn't fun, Christianity would be just a pile of crappy boredom bleh. It's nice having a God that understands and feels everything you go through with in this life because it just takes the love to a whole new level.

Coming back to Kuching, so much has changed within the life of my church here. There's a new baby on the way (and yeah everyone's fighting over what the boy or girl should be called when, for pity's sakes, we aren't even sure of the baby's gender yet because baby's only few weeks old hahaha!). I'm trying to find the ministry in which I will grow in (young adults? tertiary?) and one of the kids' ministry teachers have asked me to help out with the little kiddos because they're short on help currently.

So as you can see, am being kept on my toes serving in the ministries (current one being the music one ;)) and of course, communing with God outside the physical building of the church and asking for help in the challenge He has set before me (so far, there's been nothing yet but I know there'd be soon!) But I am loving every bit of it.

It's so amazing that everytime I come home from overseas that the questions posed to me have always been the same. It's always: Siaw Hui, did you lose weight? To which the answer has always been a Yes. And it's always: So Siaw Hui, have you got a boyfriend there yet? To which the answer has always been a No... because if it weren't, believe me, Jovial would have something to say about it XD

But the one thing that amazes me the most is the fact that I see all these adults in my church, who have coached me and mentored me in my teenage years (or have never even SAID anything to me before until now!) speak out over my life about incredible things.

Like how just before I left for Melbourne last year, an auntie who has known me since I was a girl of 13 tell me: I just see this godly crown on your head. You're such a princess of God. And how during my time in Melbourne, I've always remembered that and grew (and still growing) to understand what it fully means to wield God's kingly authority given to me as His princess and as a woman of God.

It's amazing how when I came back during this mid year, a pastor who I have never spoken to before found me out during the crowd and told me he had seen the way I'd worshipped and prayed and told me that whatever church I was going to in Melbourne (PSCC YEAH!!), they really knew how to teach kids like me to pray and worship.

And this time, the same pastor just came up to me and said, "There's such a great anointing on you that's just waiting to bless many, MANY lives ... I believe that you already are. And just as a side note, there's just SOMETHING about your prayers. When you pray, it just gives me the shivers in a good way because ... I just can't explain it!"

And it's great to hear stuff like that not because I need an ego boosting but because it encourages me to push on for God, to continue serving and to know that despite whatever pitfalls there may be on the way, it really doesn't matter because I get to see others blessed and come to know my beautiful Father in heaven. :) And it just gets me all excited and pumped up for where my anointing will bring me next ;)

So yeah, I just want to encourage all of you. When all of you go home, people can see how much you've changed whilst you've been away in a foreign land called Australia. And let that change be so much so that people can stop and say: Wow, it must be God behind this change! Because then they get encouraged by what's been going on in your life and they get excited about how you've changed which is always good because God's always wanting people to know Him more, ey?

And one last thing, GOD BLESS FOR ALL THOSE STILL HAVING EXAMS! You're all gonna ace ace ace the exams and you'd all be stupendously fantastic! :)

She thanks her Jesus at 11:00 AM

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

The exams are over. I can finally take on some relief.

And though, I feel a bit apprehensive about getting my results back in half a month's time because I seriously do not know how to rate this semester's performance unlike last semester whereby I could sort of predict, I know that whatever happens now is up to God.

I've done my best, I've tried my hardest. I fought hard for my right to good marks halfway into my exams and I know I've won it. So Lord, you know what, I know that my results will be good. On the subject of how great it is on the scale of "good" however Lord, it is up to You to decide.

But Daddy, let me tell you this one thing.

The marks that I get for this semester, it all belongs to You. None of it belongs to me. Because Lord, without You pushing and tugging me along through this semester, I would have succumbed to the many times of wanting to shrivel up and not care about uni. And without You Lord, I wouldn't have had that spectacular performance in my midsemester (top 15%) and my HP assignment as well (You upgraded me from a 68% last semester to an 86% this semester how cool's that?). And I know that's all YOUR doing, God, because my time management and feelings at that time was so screwed up that it really had to be You pulling all the right strings.

So Lord, do it again this semester. Because Lord, when You do, Your light in my life shines that much brighter.

The glory's all Yours, Daddy, I have had no part in it.

Siaw Hui

She thanks her Jesus at 3:50 AM

Sunday, November 16, 2008

Dear God,

It's been a long time since I've written a letter to you.

Lord, you've put this incredible challenge upon me this week and to tell you in all honesty, Lord, I'm scared.

I'm afraid that I'm going to fail. I'm afraid that I'm gonna trip and fall on my face. And Lord, above all, I'm scared that whatever I say and whatever I do thinking that it is out of obedience to You, turns out to be horribly wrong because it was my flesh speaking or the world... or someone else other than You.

Lord, I'm horribly, terribly and utterly SCARED.

I'm scared of not knowing how to answer. I'm fearful of what people may think of me whenever I begin the sentence of: I feel God telling me to ... and somehow I keep thinking that I'm using your name in vain; as if it's not really You telling me to do it, it's something else but I'm just using you as an excuse.

I'm afraid that I'd be turned away and that whatever I say may not come to pass; that my prayer doesn't seem to bring a miracle.

But still somehow I know, deep within that the calling grows stronger every day. You keep telling me: Come on Siaw Hui, it's time. Come on now, I need you to step out.

God, I've been living with this prophecy over my life ever since I was 10 years old. Goodness, that's 9 years ago now. And Lord, it's such an amazing prophecy but I've always let it sit at the back of mind because I saw no possible way it could ever be fulfilled... but now Lord, at the age of 19, You've suddenly brought it back into full perspective. And Lord, that's all You said! I'd love more information Lord, but all You've said is: I'd guide you and reveal step by step.

And Lord,after Pastor Sam's message, I know for real now that it's Your voice I'm hearing. Not someone else's. Not my flesh because Lord my flesh is screaming out: I"M SCARED DON"T MAKE ME DO THIS!! WHY ME? CHOOSE SOMEONE ELSE! SEND SOMEONE ELSE! IT"S SO EMBARASSING...

And it's not the world because the world would just tell me: Relax, there's no need to spread God's goodness. And it's not the enemy because that evil little thing wouldn't want me to spread Your greatness.

And Lord by faith, I stepped out of the congregation today and I know that I've received Your blessing and Your anointing from the prayer team. I'm all set up and geared to go.

All my life, I've sung songs along the lines of: Lord, if you need someone, send me. God, I'm willing. I surrender all. I love you God to do anything for You. I give my life, my heart to You. So now Lord, I'm going to put it to practice.

God I don't know what I'm doing and I don't know what I'd say but Lord I know this for sure.

You are always with me. You'd always be with me. You'd teach me what to say, give me valuable insights that only You would know because You know everyone's hearts. And God, I'm scared. I'm frightened beyond belief. I'm terrified to pieces. But Lord, you know what? You've called me. So I'd go, with all my inadequacies, I'd go because I know it is by Your strength and not by my weaknesses.

And Lord, I don't care whether a miracle happens or not. I'd just do whatever You say and know that at least I'm pleasing You with my obedience. The results is up to You. And Lord, I somehow know that even as I take up this challenge, I know that I go in knowing that there are others who You've sent in to do some groundwork and all I need to do is build on it.

This is the season Lord. It's gonna be a tough season Lord, but I know somehow that this is the season of change. So I'm going in Lord.

But Lord, promise me this, let me go ... but NOT without Your presence. NEVER Lord, without Your presence because I need it. Every inch of it.

Come on Lord, let's do this. You'd be the master planner and I'd be the kakitangan ;)

Yours sincerely,
Siaw Hui

She thanks her Jesus at 10:58 PM

Friday, November 14, 2008

thank you Lord.

finally, FINALLY, my exams are going right.

You guys wouldn't believe how hard I kept declaring favour upon my exams last night, marching up and down my bedroom. And I felt God tell me at one point that the victory that He had for me was there it's just that the Devil was trying to distract me from it, trying to stop me from taking it. Like he was sticking out his tongue at me and belittling me, telling me that I was a failure, that God wasn't helping me anymore and that everything was just lies.

So I got incredibly angry and started shouting at him and told him to get lost. I told him that nothing could ever take away MY blessing because it's MINE and not anyone else's less of all him. And after all, he can't even take my blessing away from my Daddy in the first place, that idiot. And because he can't take it away, he tries to prevent me from taking it it's SO DUMB ISN"T IT when you think about it sometimes?

I just wanna so encourage you guys right now. Esp. if things aren't going the way you want them to no matter how much you pray and ask God and no matter how much He promises... because sometimes, it's like what's happened to me. The blessing is there. God has it. But the devil's busy messing your head around, busy trying to tell you that the blessing is just a lie because natural circumstances don't seem to allow the blessing.

Let me tell you something.

EVERYTIME, the victory is there. You have it easy sometimes but SOMETIMES you've gotta fight for it. Like what Jov always says ;) It's a spiritual warfare for it and come on, why do you wanna not fight when you know you've got victory for SURE?

SO COME ON FIGHT FOR IT! I told the devil to get lost last night and guess what? HE DID.

Wanna know why?

Because my exams were SO much better than expected this morning. Not only did I know how to answer, I FINISHED WAY AHEAD OF TIME so I could actually check my answers.

See?

COME ON! FIGHT!

She thanks her Jesus at 12:00 AM

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

hmm.


so the exams haven't been turning out the way i've planned.


on my very first exam, i didn't manage to finish the paper despite writing till my hand was sore and numb. i had about 1/2 a question more to go and left a small table of values blank because i was supposed to come back to it later.


and today, which is my second exam, i was supposed to interview a patient in 4 minutes. bell was supposed to ring upon 4 minutes and i was supposed to be done interviewing but... the moment the bell rang, i had just started asking my final question. and that wasn't the worst part, when the examiner asked me to diagnose the patient... my head went blank, i couldn't think of anything to say and i just went: i'm so sorry, i know what the condition is but i cannot remember the term. after all, i had only 10 seconds to answer.

and so i'm sitting here really sad. and depressed. and oh, whatever other synonyms you can come up with. i'm just about ready to cry.


because i know i can do better. so why didn't i do better? and isn't God supposed to be with me? after all that He's promised? why didn't He help me write faster that day? why didn't He make the patient talk faster so that I could ask questions faster? why didn't He make my mind clear so I could remember what the condition was?


but then you know what?

I remember my Bible tells me: My God will always be with me. He'd never forsake me.


So you see, I went through what could be rightly considered as hell in my papers so far but He was always with me.


Still doesn't answer the question of why did He not help me though...


Well, I admit, that's true. Why didn't he bless me with a quick mouth, quick hand, quick mind?


But then, I start to remember the challenge He's placed upon me ever since Swot VAC started. And that is to not look at the natural, but focus on the supernatural. Because sometimes, eventhough a H1 for me right now, doesn't seem possible with the way things are turning out to be, it may very well be possible because God's in total control.


And as I keep feeling my heart going into the mode of despair, I know deep inside that my God is challenging me. He's kept telling me: Come on Siaw Hui, I know it doesn't seem possible but believe me. You've got to hold on. You've got to press on. I know you feel like you're gonna flunk this exams, that a H1 is outta the question already, that you just wanna stop studying for the next three exams but you've gotta push on.


You've gotta trust in me. Believe in what seems to be the impossible. I will bless you, and what I promise I will not fail. And for all it's worth, this just makes it all a greater testimony of My greatness.


And then He keeps bringing to mind of how He's blessed me even by the work of my hands, even by natural circumstances, things seemed impossible.

So you know what?

To blazes with what's happening right now. To blazes with my feelings of inadequateness, that I will not measure up and perform my worst ever in exams. To blazes with the fact that I seem not to be able to remember everything for my exams in day to come.

Because all that I'm living for right now is you Lord. I don't know how You're going to help me but You most certainly are going to. All I have Lord, it's Yours. All I do God, it's Yours. And all I am Lord, every single part of me, belongs to You Lord.

Because now I'm starting to realize Lord, come what may in the next three exams, it isn't in my hands anymore. I've done the work (and play) and now I'm just doing the best I know how to. My weaknesses Lord, are made whole in You. It will not be by my strength when I succeed, it will be by Your grace and Your love. I think that's what You're trying to teach me through all of this. That the best of human preparations would be nothing without You making sure everything else falls neatly in place.

Lord, I don't know what's gonna happen next Lord. But Lord, I know this: That You'd never leave me nor forsake me and that Your plans for me are not for evil but are prosperous.

Lord, for the first time in my life I will actually mean this.

Lord, I trust in you. I need you. My academics depends on You.

She thanks her Jesus at 2:49 PM

Sunday, November 9, 2008

And even as I walk into the exam hall tomorrow, I know that I'd be all taken care of.

Even as I sit for the five papers in the period of 9 days I know that I'd be all right.

No, wait that's wrong.

I will be more than okay. I will be more than fine.

Because my God will go way and beyond "just fine". He makes sure my cup runs over, He makes sure I'd be drowned in His blessings.

Lord, I thank you for promising to never ever let go of me. I thank you for loving me even through all these nights of studying. I love you because you're always there at every second of the day to help me whenever I need you.

My God will help me write tomorrow, I just need to hold my pencil and I know He'd bring to remembrance everything that needs to be written down. My God will help me to be creative tomorrow, especially when it comes to writing what I think is causing a certain person to have a certain medical problem XD

So yes, God will help me. He never fails me. He promises.

There really is no greater love than His, is there? :)

Siaw Hui

She thanks her Jesus at 5:14 PM

Sunday, November 2, 2008

Hosea 6:3
Let us acknowledge the LORD; let us press on to acknowledge him. As surely as the sun rises, he will appear; he will come to us like the winter rains, like the spring rains that water the earth."

I love this verse it's so... sweet and romantic.

I'm falling in love again. :)

Siaw Hui

P.S. Yes, I know I'm supposed to be offline and studying but yeah, I was online to settle an important email hahaha so yeah, I came here loh. :)

She thanks her Jesus at 11:21 PM

Saturday, November 1, 2008

And this song has been playing in my head ever since an hour ago:

I'm not gonna live by what I see
(And boy do I see that I have tons of works ahead of me: 23 more lectures to make notes on, and then a full active revision of 70 lectures! and let's not forget the past exam papers and clinical tests i need to know.. all in the remaining 8 days... oh boy...)
I'm not gonna live by what I feel
(Gee whiz, I'm feeling a bit panicky now coz I dunno how I'd be able to finish!!)
Deep down I know that You're here with me
(But yeah, focusing on God and taking things slowly is working...)
And I know that You can do anything
(LIKE MAKE ME FINISH MY EXAM PREPARATIONS WHOO~)

Through you I can do anything
I can do all things
Coz it's you who gives me strength
Nothing is impossible!

You know, something that Cheri said rang something in my brain. Ever since yesterday, I had been panicking over what I'd be able to do during Swot Vac (study week). Because I have a heck lot on my plate to finish before exams start in 8 day (not including today) and I don't know how I can get it done! I make all this elaborate plans on what I should finish doing by a certain day and the plans just fall to pieces (like today: supposed to do 12 lectures and where am I? Finishing off my 5th and it's almost 9 pm and I have ushering at 9 am tomorrow)

And so like REALLY HOW TO FINISH?

But yeah, last night at UL, God suddenly told me to stop worrying and just... find my rest in Him. I wake up some mornings, having this heavy feeling in my heart because I'm afraid that I might fail my exams, that I can't finish preparing. And some days I just feel like vomiting at the sight of fine black print on white paper. And then I feel sick again because my plans aren't working. But then God stops me and gives me a verse and I feel all refreshed again. Or sometimes He just tells me that I should just focus on Him and study steadily and He'd make everything right. He'd make me finish on time and remember what I'm supposed to.

And yeah, like Cheri says, why control something when you can have the Author of life control it for you? And make it work ;)

She thanks her Jesus at 8:24 PM

The Trio

Hannah
Rachel
Siaw Hui

currently

Hannah i.e. *Ai-Chan* :)
Rachel is still MIA :P
Siaw Hui is feeling a God-given inspiration

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